Posthumous Medal

[Guest]

[Pater]

Twenty foot high, the rotation and adjustment of a gymnast at the swirling sky - then down like a bullet to enter the water then climb up again; while orca plays, pity the poor seal till it dies.

by Pater

[Jay]

Something in the first part of this isn't as rhymically pleasing as it should be. Nevertheless, the feeling is there overall - the starkness of the image matches the brevity of its description, and the punctuation - the dash - is effective in giving that sense of hanging in mid-air momentarily before a drop.  

[Pater]

Something in the first part of this isn't as rhymically pleasing as it should be. Nevertheless, the feeling is there overall - the starkness of the image matches the brevity of its description, and the punctuation - the dash - is effective in giving that sense of hanging in mid-air momentarily before a drop.  

I take your point here, Jay. In effect I have altered it and this now resides as a separate piece "Posthumous Medal 2" in this section. I even have a third version.
Sometimes I wish you could simply edit your stuff on UD. Cheers.

[Jay]

Yes, I read that. I thought it was the second part of a long sequence, a large piece with minor variations on the same theme throughout. I'll read it with what you said in mind, though.