Short Story: The Stand Up by Randall W. Pretzer

The Stand Up
“Listen,” he said, “just for tonight.” Richard took a huge sip of his beer. “I can’t, Richard. I just can’t.” George always took himself too seriously. Or so they said. “Damn it, George, there is no one else I can call. I may lose the place…..sorry excuse me George.” Richard grabbed his bottle of beer, got up and went over to a nearby trashcan. It was his second beer. He didn’t want to get drunk and threw away the bottle. He came back and sat down. “Well, what do you say, George?” “I told you I can’t. I write short stories….stories about serious or heavy subjects….I don’t do this kind of thing.” George looked at his watch, he was agitated and wanted out of there fast. He hated bars, the club scene and just enjoyed being home alone reading. “Look, I have his material here,” Richard pulled out a notebook, opened it up, pulled out a few sheets of paper with writing on them and slide them over to George. “Hey, Richard, if I am to go up there I will be doing my own stuff.” George pushed the papers back over to Richard. “That is fine, it was just in case you had nothing…” Richard put the papers back in the notebook and set it down next to him. “I have nothing. I am not going up there.” George drank up the rest of his beer, got up and turned to leave. Richard got up quickly and ran over to George. “Damn it, you dumb son of a bitch. You owe me motherfucker.” Richard threw a punch at George but George blocked it. Richard tried again but George blocked it too. Two bouncers came over to them and attempted to break it up. Richard turned to one of the bouncers and pushed him hard, he fell to the ground. “what the fuck are you doing? I own this shithole. Get the hell away from us.” Richard picked up the bouncer and the bouncer went away, the second one followed. Richard looked back to where George was but he was gone. Richard punched the table they were sitting at, sat down and grunted.
The stage was empty. The place was packed. The biggest crowd Richard had ever seen. He fixed his tie, lifted up his pants and tied his shoes. His suit was rented. The list price was ten thousand dollars. He felt like a million. The crowd was growing impatient. Richard could hear beer cans and soda cans being banged on the tables. The announcer finally came out. Richard was ready to fire him….this was the fourth time he was late with the introduction and his jokes were bad. One time half the audience got up and left after hearing his first joke. This was his last night on the job. The announcer came back to where Richard was. “You’re fired. This is the fourth time you were late and your jokes…..jesus.” Richard went out to the stage. The announcer gave him the finger and walked out of the building. Richard wanted to kick his ass but he had to start the show. The audience was now throwing shit at him.
“Well…well….very nice crowd tonight.” Richard said with a smile.
“Fuck you.” An old fat fuck said.
“Eat my shorts.” A very beautiful slut screamed.
“I never did understand the point of funerals. The person is dead. What else is there to do but discard the body? Why all this emphasis on this celebration of death? That is all a funeral is. A party for a dead person. So much time and effort wasted on a dead person.”
Silence. Two people got up and left. Richard went ahead like nothing happened.
“to me it is just a form of necromancy….or whatever they call that shit. Pretty pathetic. These religious idiots have to turn everything into some kind of symbolic gesture….”
Two more people got up and left. The crowd was silent but had calmed down. Richard loosened his tie, took off his jacket and removed the mic from the stand. He started walking back and forth on the stage slowly looking out at the audience.
“Sure freedom of religion I am all for it….but damn what about my freedom from it? This bullshit…..some crap about an invisible man or being….shit they never even told us what the hell we were actually dealing with. What the hell is God? A man or beast, an alien? What?”
Some of the audience did laugh. A few more got up and left. Richard paused and looked as they left. He swallowed and continued.
“These Christians….catholics….methodists….shit so many damn versions….don’t know how the hell they keep track…..like a bunch of mindless fraternities and sororities like they have in college….just a damn clique….worshipping their social king….”
The place was half empty now. Some were asleep, others were drunk and some were just passed out, a few had thrown up on the stage and on Richard. Richard had been on stage for about an hour now. He had no one keeping time.
“Religious people hate the opposition….it is so funny…”
“No it is not….you’re so full of shit.” Said a woman who was obviously a stripper dressed like a nun. “Religion is the biggest pile of shit I have ever heard….and you tell me I’m a full of shit? You bitch…you strip…..as a nun….that is so honest….huh? Don’t tell me I am full of shit….you’re shit….up my ass.”
The woman laughed at him. “You’re too funny…..I have heard that shit all before….nice try asshole.” She said. She then got up on the table, started dancing and then began to strip. Richard immediately singled the bouncers. They came quickly and pulled the woman off the table. “Hey…let go of me you pigs….you fucks.” She screamed and they dragged her away and threw her out of the building. She tried to get back in and one of the bouncers punched her in the mouth. He busted her lip. She got up slowly and ran off crying. Everyone left. Richard just stood there alone. The bouncers locked up the place. Richard got down from the stage, walked over to behind the bar, grabbed a beer and sat down at one of the tables. He drank the whole beer in a few seconds. He went up and got as many bottles of beer as he could and just started drinking.
Randall W. Pretzer